Just an ordinary humble day

How do you live your days with a broken heart?

Simple. Get up early and still miss the bus. Seriously. Go to work, and get scolded for something you didn’t do. Exactly, you didn’t do it, so get scolded ’cause you ain’t performing. Attend an absolutely useless meeting for half a day. Absolutely useless because the guys there just ignore you. Eat some nice sandwich for lunch. Hey, at least it’s better than some lousy company lunch with fancy names. Knock off early, and slipped away quietly when nobody is looking. ‘Cause seriously, I deserve to be a little naughty. Attend an evening class, obviously tired from a day’s work. And come back home to your room to find you’re locked out. This is priceless.

Sometimes I run.

Like I was trying hard to hide from something, or someone. Like things would be better if I run hard enough, or far enough, or fast enough. But, seriously, things just get more complicated. Running keeps me alive, but leaves me dead inside.

Sometimes I hesitate a lot when I run.

Should I go slower, faster? Should I go left, right? Should I jump, slide? Should I stop? Things like that, which are absolutely useless when you really think about it. But I think a lot. Going through life in my mind, sort of like planning my next 15 moves or something. Which is bad. ‘Cause you are so stuck at just playing everything in your mind, you forget what’s really happening in life. You forget the blue sky and everything around it.

So I will hesitate no more.

I will love a little more, even if love sometimes hurt, more so at this moment. I will care a little more, even when there is absolutely no returns in any terms. I will feel pain, sadness, sorrow a little more, and not shut myself away from these feelings, even when these feelings numb me. Because after all that’s said and done, after all the feelings have settled, all that remains is the simple will to keep on fighting!

p/s this humble post is dedicated to a lady, little Miss Haro

Leaving me hanging

It’s really funny how sometimes you wonder if God is really playing with you. Like how He seems to just sprinkle some ‘fun’ into your life, to make it interesting for you, and for Himself.

Day 1. Strike 1.

I thought maybe today I’ll do something special, like going to Chinatown and get her some ‘tang yuan’, which she really likes. So after checking the web, I’m set to surprise her with really nice ‘tang yuan’. And on top of that, just to top it up, I have promised to buy her some medication for her flu. Nothing can go wrong right? Wrong.

‘Cause fate, you see, is pretty funny. On a day that even Lady Luck is not on my side, it is somewhat incredible I came back with the ‘tang yuan’, albeit not the one intended, and the medication =)

So there I was at Outram MRT, trying just as hard to find my bearings and get my hands on those sweet juicy ‘tang yuan’. I walked in the direction I thought the stall would be, the key word being ‘I thought’. And I walked, and walked, and then walked some more, but I still couldn’t find the stall. And me, being me, just don’t like to ask for directions. In the end, after walking round and round like stupid donkey for almost an hour, I finally found the place only to realize that the place is under renovation! And that the stall has been relocated somewhere else. I cursed my luck.

So I walked, round and round again, until I finally did something intelligent, ask some random guy for directions. And that fella, bless his soul, showed me the way. To my horror, the new location for the stall is exactly just BESIDE Outram MRT. Well done! And I am a little too stupid for not noticing the stall eh? Happily I made my way to the stall, and even the pain at the lower back of my leg didn’t matter anymore.

And cursed again when I reached the stall. It was fucking closed! Closed! Of all the damn days, TODAY he decided to close his stall. Thank you. Desperate, I tracked back to a far away place to buy from another stall. I was thankful the lady hadn’t close shop. If not I would be cursing like mad.

So after buying the ‘tang yuan’, I decided to check out the nearby Guardian to buy the medicine. And I checked a grand total of 4 Guardian shops, and none had pharmacy. One had a pharmacy, but the pharmacist decided to go to the Tiong Bharu branch. Cursing my luck, I had no choice but to go to Chinatown MRT (nearest to me at that point), take a train to Outram MRT, change train and head down to Tiong Bharu MRT, then go back to Outram MRT, then change train to the NEL to head back home. I love Singapore’s MRT system. Just 3 stops apart, and I have to go through all that trouble.

And I thought, now maybe she would be happy to see the medicine, and the extra ‘tang yuan’ I bought. I swear I saw her face frown when she opened her door after I knocked. And instantly, I felt like crying. I felt stupid. And I felt like I have been left hanging. Gave her the medicine, and she wanted to return the money. I wished she hadn’t ask. I gave her the ‘tang yuan’, and she didn’t seem thrilled. So much for surprises.

Now, I don’t know if she had eaten the ‘tang yuan’. Frankly, I don’t care what she does with the ‘tang yuan’. With all the effort I put in, this ‘tang yuan’ better be nice. Otherwise I’ll go back find that lady! And tell her to put in more effort in her ‘tang yuan’ business!

Strike 1. But I am not giving up yet. Maybe after all she will hate me for this. But at least, that’s a feeling, even if it’s not the feeling I would like her to have about me =p

Actually, a little small ‘thank you’ would have been nice to hear.

Why are we here?

I have come to realise that I would rather spend my day in office than to laze in my room. Woke up this morning feeling slightly feverish, and with a heavy head, so called in sick and stayed in bed ’till about 10am, and decided then that I need to change. I need to move on, I told myself.

So after a long bath, cleansing my wounds, figuratively, I decided to finish up work which I never really touched over the weekend, although technically I am supposed to finish the work last Friday, but what the heck. And I kindda felt stupid for sending a text message to her asking her to take her medicine from my room, just so I could see her. Anyway, after all the stupid things I’ve done, I can live with this.

And off I went finishing up my work like I am supposed to, until she came over. I dropped my stuff, and attended to her, like any good husband, or boyfriend would do, and realised I never really done those things when we were still together. So what was I proving? I don’t know, part of me wants to make it up for her, giving her everything else she deserves, although that’s kindda late now, but I’ll manage. And another part of me has this foolish hope that maybe, just maybe, she’ll change her mind and we’ll get together and have a good life ahead. Ah, who am I kidding eh?

So off she went to school a little after 2pm, and I continued my work. By the time I finished, she was in and out of my mind for so many times I lost count after telling myself I should forget about her. It started raining, and I thought maybe I’ll just text her if she wants umbrella. Over an hour later she replied that she was already in her room. I cursed myself for being stupid again. It seems to me that I am trying to hard eh? So what am I proving? I don’t know. I used to know yesterday. Today, I don’t know. It’s like I woke up, and I knew that all this wasn’t a dream, or nightmare if you like. So there is no point anymore to try to change things, ’cause things are already changed.

I don’t know, I thought maybe I can try to talk to her again. Finding some really intelligent excuse I asked her if she wants the herbal medicine and volunteered to bring it to her, I rarely done that! Anyway, she would rather come here and take it herself, than to trouble me. This funny feeling tells me that she is hiding something, but probably just a feeling, nothing substantial.

It’s funny really, I wrote her a letter. Still on my table that letter. I don’t know if I should give it to her. Maybe I should. Maybe I should not. I kept asking myself why are we here. Many times for the past few days. I looked in the mirror and told myself, we are here because we always ended up here. I, myself, and me, always ended up here. This same ol’ shitty feeling. This same circumstances. But this time, we just choose to fight, and not to surrender easily like before.

You know every time breakups happen, I learn a great deal of things about myself and other people.

So why are we here, again?

We. Always. Ended up. Here.

Think I need a break. Oh, what the hell, might as well give her the damn letter.