In repair

As always life has been good to me. Sometimes it throws a curve ball. Sometimes it ignores my pleads. Sometimes it doesn’t give a shit how I feel. But, I generally feel good about it. Because so far, I am still living, I am not starving, and I have friends who understand where I am standing now. I am in fact, ladies and gentlemen, in repair.

I have never gone though this type of period, this post break-up period, like I do now. I mean I have gone through many break-ups. But this, this is different. I feel much better about myself, about the fact that I am still surviving. I thought I would have died back then. Ah, but that’s childish.

I rarely speak about this to other people, lest they ask questions. Many knew about this, through friends of friends. But few knew the details, about how I feel, or my side of the story. Only select few are privy to conversations about this break-up and about how I am doing coping with this break-up. Most conversations with other people are very very basic, with minimal details, because I don’t really like questions.

I am in repair. Sometimes I think about her. Sometimes I try to pretend I am OK. But most of the times I am genuinely recovering. Because she had moved on, and I thank her for making it clean and fast.

I am learning from all this. She taught me how to fall in love, how to be in love, how to give love and how to feel loved. She taught me optimism in times like this, or worse. She taught me patience, although I had always been bad at that. She taught me how to color my life, to look at things different from the way I used to do. She taught me how to smile, and cry, and still able to express the feelings in between. She taught me, most of all, how to pick myself up when I am down. I used to rely on her for that, now I’ll just have to learn to do it myself.

Most important, this time around she taught me that break-ups, contrary to what I have always thought of, should not be ugly.

I am in repair, and I hope I will not sit in the mechanics for long. Don’t wanna miss the sunrise when it happens.

Memories flashing, boat rowing and slow dancing

Not in that particular order.

But still, a weekend full of happenings. Saturday was nice. The weather was good. Good enough for rowing boats. I will not bore you with details, but suffice to say that I enjoyed rowing boat more than I had thought I would. It was a dragon boat carnival. And I was given the opportunity to row boat along side my bosses and supervisors. Sweet.

After a tiring experience at Kallang, went back to hall for Family Day. The carnival styled mass gathering was really fun. I had wanted to play so many things, but was dead tired to try any. Besides, there were too many people anyway. In the end, just took some photos with the rest, with good and bad memories flashing before my eyes as the camera was flashing. And I thought I had forgotten all those things, but only to realize that I stilll remember, the good times and the bad times.

Had an extremely hot Sunday. Slow dancing with the heat, taking off shirts, wearing nothing, then something, then nothing. All while trying to finish my report on my presentation for this evening module I was taking. And then still have to finish up work from office.

If you notice, this is an extremely boring post. Because I just scribble the happenings and there wasn’t any thought, or opinion, or color, if you may, added. And I don’t like writing this kind of post. It’s stupid. It’s extremely childish. And nobody wants to know what I did over the weekend.

I would rather write something thoughtful, my feelings, what’s going through my mind, what’s going through my heart, foolish things like those. But I was too busy to think this weekend. Nevertheless, I was not too busy to make this observation. That my darling Jess is looking better now that I think she is happier. Somehow, it makes me feel happy for her too.

Looking ahead for the next week. And a particular date with somebody – you know we have been saying this for ages and it never materialized. Funny that finally we are doing something about it. I would love a CD, Hang On Little Tomato, maybe?

p/s always never good at hinting am I?

Of songs and sympathy

Remember that time when I talked about this song that made my world black and white?

The song had a distinct old Great Depression feel to it. You can imagine people smoking, making funny smoke chains. You can imagine the stop motion, black and white, movie. With people talking frantically, but not a sound is given out. You can imagine shades of gray giving you the emotions, rather than bright colors. You can imagine the sexy French lady sipping wine, or martini, sitting on a table by side of the road. And with old 4-wheel steam cars moving in and out. You can imagine Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Remember the time when I talked about this song that made me cry?

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I thought I was going to cry again when this song played over the radio. In front of everybody in the bus. I was already bracing myself for tears to come streaming down. But then my player’s batteries died on me. At the moment when they went “All I want to do is to find a way back to love,” the player went dead. And probably saved me the embarrassment. But then again, I might not have cared that much to cry anyway.

Saw the sun today. Pretty sight. Kind of brightens up my day.

The song is by Pink Martini. Sympathique. Nice to live in black and white once in a while.

p/s I do not visit the control room EVERYDAY =)