Buried

Sometimes your past ghosts have weird ways to catch up with you. Maybe it’s just me, but I do have a lot of skeletons in the closet. Matter of time, I guess.

So, the other day I was having a chat with couple of old friends from back then. And someone popped the question about one of those things you hoped they never asked. But it has been ages. And as much as I feel the need to move on, there’s still thing dangling feeling of wanting to keep it where it is -  in the dark.

In the end I guess burying the ghosts of my past is very liberating. Though my responsibilities and guilt do not diminish by me being able to face them, but it has been too long. Sometimes it’s good, I think, to be able to face the things you left behind. To come to terms with the memories that kept you shackled.

Maybe I secretly wish I can go back in time to change some things. But you and I know that would be highly improbable. Not impossible, no Sir, just improbable. But in all honesty, even given the chance, I might not do it. Because the past is the only thing that defines me, at least that is how I see it. Still, facing ghosts of my past is necessary I guess.

By putting everything on the table the other day, that’s one ghost buried. Someone insistently told me that I should stop running and face myself. I agree that as I move forward, there are still many ghosts which I need to face. One at a time, I’d tell myself. I hope it ends where it began.

Note to self: I think, it is hard to pretend nothing is happening inside.

Encounter

As promised.

You know, I’m a visual person. That means I pretty much process images critically (though my friends have come to question my taste). So the first thing that goes through my mind when I meet somebody new is his or her appearance. I mentally categorise him or her in imaginary boxes based on looks. I believe everybody works this way – that first impression is important.

So this girl that I met the other day was sort of plain. First impression, remember? But she is different, something about her makes you stand up and take notice. I can’t really put into words what it is, but as I go along you’ll get the picture. I’m not gonna go on about how her eyes captured my heart or how her lips this or how her voice that. ‘Cause they don’t. ‘Cause hers is not those ‘doki doki’ moments. Hers is calming beauty, and that doesn’t even do justice.

She is a girl with great passion, strong determination, and overwhelming enthusiasm. An hour with her makes you wonder what the hell you were doing for the past 23 years. That is funny because I really thought I had it all figured out. She puts everything into perspective. It makes you feel like you have been missing something in life, that you can do better than you had your entire life.

She is a kiwi. She came here on a scholarship, because she felt there wasn’t much competition and challenge back home. Seriously? I mean, seriously? How many of you would do that, huh? She is gonna have an overseas internship. I ashamed to admit I was contented with a local one. Makes you go green doesn’t she? I was bowled by her credentials.

But wait, there’s more. She is undecided of what she wants to do after graduation, but setting up a charity enterprise is one of her options. How many of you would even think of that, dedicating your life to charity? And it’s fun chatting with her. I would love to continue chatting, but she had to go spend time with a deaf kid, for lack of words, as part of her charity activities. I wish I could put that in better ways, but in actual fact I’m lost for words.

So brains, check. Heart, check. Beauty, check. Complete package and you would have thought that I’ll go ga ga over her, wouldn’t you? I wish I did but, I didn’t. Her personality is great. I would have fallen for her, sincerely. But the timing is off. Another place and another time, maybe.

Most important however is the fact that she made me realise that there is so much more I can do. And I feel that I don’t want to waste my life away in manner I’ve done thus far. To change is not easy, but an hour with her made me want to. To want to change for the better, I’ve not felt that for a long time now.

It feels great once you take that first step and tell yourself, “Look, something’s gotta give and it’s this!”. So, once in a while somebody new comes along and makes you wanna do something different. And I’m glad it was her. No maybes, not buts.

Confession

Once in a while you meet somebody new that makes you wanna do something different.

I can’t pretend. I smoke. Not to the point of addiction, but I reckon it’s close. Despite my friends berating me for wasting away my life with every puff, I still couldn’t find a reason strong enough to completely stop. Excuses, I told myself. Even to a point when friends sat down to give me lectures on quitting, I just managed to stop as long as ’till the next invitation for a puff.

I lied about smoking the last stick, just to keep my friends happy. The point is I lied. And probably they’re disappointed. I am disappointed, not with myself, but with the way things turn out. I would want to smoke openly without fears of friends alienating me, but I couldn’t. In fact I couldn’t be myself, whom they can’t possibly accept. I want to be frank and open about my life to people who care, but they care too much and I wouldn’t want to lose that, so I lied. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, no Sir, I’m sure it’s as good as stealing behind your friends’ back. And often I felt that way when I took another puff off that burning stick.

Even the new year jiggly feel didn’t get me to want to quit completely. 18 days into the new year, and I already took in 2 stick’s worth of poison. And I’m ashamed. Not because I couldn’t bring myself to quit, but because I didn’t want to. But honestly, what’s the difference? Excuses, I told myself. But there is is no reason to quit, Sir. Excuse, I told myself.

So when you met somebody new, that makes you wanna quit something bad that you didn’t want to earnestly, isn’t that great? I just threw away a pack’s worth of hard day’s work. I probably wouldn’t touch any of those money burning sticks any more. I just, and this is funny, moved onto a new phase in life. And I wonder how long this will last.

And no, this is not what you think it is but, let your imagination go wild. I’ll probably write about her soon enough. Yes, you read that right.